The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Read online

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  A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

  “Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

  “That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.”

  The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

  Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”

  Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.”

  The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”

  Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?

  A. A good thing fucked up by a period.

  There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a costume party... Then he had a bright idea.

  When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there wearing only underwear.

  “What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.

  “A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my underpants!”

  Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”

  And so they did.

  As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!

  And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!

  A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

  A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

  The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

  After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”

  “Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

  It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

  When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

  At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

  At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

  When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she made him a full breakfast with a cup of steaming coffee.

  As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the money for?”

  “Well,” she said, “last night I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you and he said, ‘Fuck him, give him a fiver.’”

  The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

  A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

  As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

  The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

  Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

  He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

  A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.

  The counselor asks the wife, “What is the problem?”

  She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

  The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

  The husband replies, “Well not exactly; it’s her that suffers, not me.”

  It was a nice sunny day and three men were walking down a country road when they saw a bush with a pig’s ass popping out.

  The first man says, “I wish that was Demi Moore’s ass.”

  The second man says, “I wish that was Pamela Anderson’s ass.”

  Then the third man says, “I wish it was dark.”

  Q. Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?

  A. Because they have to pull their own pants down.

  A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

  The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”

  The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

  “I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.

  The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

  The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

  What is a blonde’s idea of dental floss?

  Pubic hair.

  Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

  One day, his girlfriend asks him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

  “No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

  Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

  His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happ
ier.

  But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

  Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH! I’LL DO THE DISHES.”

  A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

  They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

  She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”

  Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

  She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

  After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

  She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.

  After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”

  She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

  A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, “Open the safe.”

  She says, “This isn’t a real bank; it’s a sperm bank.”

  He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.”

  She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”

  After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.

  He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?”

  A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every dockworker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.

  Bets are made, and they agree that they’ll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts.

  True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............

  ...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

  The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, “I don’t understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!”

  Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

  A. They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

  A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

  Alas, she finally croaked.

  Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”

  In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”

  Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

  The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”

  Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

  “Hello, sir,” she said. “Do you like movies?”

  “Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.

  Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”

  The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading.

  Undaunted, Goldie asked. “Do you like pussycats?”

  With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.

  As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

  The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

  A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Tony?”

  “Well, Miss, I just saw one of your garters.”

  “Get out of my classroom,” she yelled, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

  The teacher turned back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, John?”

  “Well, Miss, I just saw both of your garters.”

  Again she yel led, “Get out of my classroom!” Th is time the punishment was more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

  Embarrassed and frustrated, she had dropped the chalk when she’d turned around again. So she bent over to pick it up. This time there was a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Nick leaving the classroom.

  “Where do you think you are going?” she asked.

  “Well, Miss, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”

  After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.

  He asks, “Do you want more sex?”

  “No,” she replies, “I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine.”

  Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?

  A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.

  A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there are no prices listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, “Five dollars for both of them.”

  “You’ve got to be joking!” the man says.

  “No, that’s the price,” the salesman says. “Do you want to buy them or not?”

  “Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, and speakers.

  “How much?” he asks.

  “Five dollars for the system, including installation,” the salesman says.

  “Is it stolen?” the man asks incredulously.

  “No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new. Do you want it or not?”

  “Certainly,” the man says. He looks around some more. As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”

  The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”

  Q. What do a blonde and a moped have in common?

  A. They are both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

  A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.”

  He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?”

  “Well,” says the pilot, “first I’m going to check into the hotel and have a dump, after which I’m going to take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. And the
n, after dinner and a few drinks, I’ll take her back to my room and have sex with her all night.”

  Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

  Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, “No need to hurry, dear. He’s got to take a shit first.”

  A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.

  While he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

  The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

  The guy says, “No. What?”

  “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... WHOLE!”

  “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.

  Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up its ass, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

  “Did you see what your monkey did?” he asks.

  “No. What?” asks the guy.