The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Read online

  “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

  “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures things first!!”

  Q. How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?

  A. Speed bumps.

  A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy buxom woman who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.

  “Hi, Missus, I’ve come for the paper money. It’s $5 please,” says our boy, with his hand held out.

  “I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house,” the woman replies in a breathy voice, “but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something...”

  So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning, “You can have ME instead...”

  The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a dick that wouldn’t look out of place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.

  “What are they for?” asks the woman.

  “Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I fuck you,” replies the boy.

  “To hell with them!” implores the woman. “I’ll take all of you!”

  Our lad replies... “Not for five fucking dollars you won’t!”

  In a train car there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular-looking blonde and a frightfully awful-looking fat lady.

  After several minutes the train happened to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. When they left the tunnel the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

  The blonde thought—That French son-of-a-bitch wanted to touch me and must have put his hand on the fat lady by mistake, who, in turn, must have slapped his face.

  The large lady thought—That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.

  The Frenchman thought—That fucking Englishman put his hand on the blonde and she slapped me by mistake.

  The Englishman thought—I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again.

  Q. Why can’t blondes waterski?

  A. Because when they get their crotch wet they think they have to lie down.

  A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

  Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

  Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls exhausted into bed.

  The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

  “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”

  God had just about finished creating the universe, but he had a couple of left-over things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to pee standing up.

  “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”

  Adam, excited by this idea, jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals I could just let it rip. It’d be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to. Let me stand and pee, oh please...”

  On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

  Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to pee standing up. And so it was. And it was...well…good.

  “Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”

  Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?

  A. Goes-in-tight!

  Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”

  Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

  A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

  A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100.

  She went back and informed the client, at which he cried, “That is too much!” He then asked, “How much for a hand job?”

  She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

  The husband said, “Ask for $40.”

  The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment, then ran around the corner again.

  Her husband asked, “Now what?”

  The wife replied, “Can I borrow $60?”

  Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it and says, “Mommy, what is that long thing?”

  “His mother replies, “That, son, is the elephant’s trunk.”

  “No, at the other end.”

  “That, son, is the tail.”

  “No, mommy, the thing under the elephant.”

  There’s a short embarrassed silence, after which she replies, “That’s nothing.”

  The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question. “Daddy, what is that long thing?”

  “That’s the trunk, son,” replies the father.

  “No, at the other end.”

  “Oh, that is the tail.”

  “No, no, daddy, the thing below,” says the son in desperation.

  “That is the elephant’s penis. Why do you as
k, son?”

  “Well mommy said it was nothing,” says the boy.

  The father replies, “I tell you, I spoil that woman...”

  Q. What did the blonde’s mom say before the blonde’s date?

  A. If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

  Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful woman. An old friend sees him and says, “Georgie, you look great...you’re beautiful!”

  Georgie says, “Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt.”

  His friend says, “When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?”

  Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”

  His friend says, “When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?”

  Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”

  His friend says, “Then what did hurt?”

  Georgie says, “When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain.”

  Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

  A. So men can be open-minded.

  A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

  The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new “action.”

  She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

  Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

  She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

  Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

  He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!”

  A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.

  “Look at the size of his penis,” says the man. “It’s massive!”

  “Yes, dear,” says the woman. “But at least he’s got your ears.”

  Two shepherds are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other, “Hey, man, this is too good an opportunity to pass up.” So he unzips his fly, yanks out his cock and fucks this ewe for about ten minutes. When he’s finally finished he looks back at his friend and says, “That was fantastic. Wanna try it?”

  “I sure do!” grins his friend, as he drops his pants and sticks his head through the fence.

  A couple gets married. Forty years later, they’re in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs ... and he starts to cry.

  She says, “What’s the matter?”

  He says, “Forty years ago, I couldn’t wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can’t wait to eat ME!”

  A woman walked into the ladies’ room and saw a man standing up using the toilet.

  Shocked, she exclaimed, “This is just for women!”

  “So is this,” he replied.

  Son: “Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?”

  Mom: “Shut up and flush.”

  Five men were sitting around the table at a restaurant bragging who had the largest dick. Finally one guy said, “I’ll settle this; let’s all put our dicks on the table; that will decide it.” At about that time two gay guys walked in and were seated. The waiter asked them if they’d like to see a menu. The gay guys responded, “OH!!! NO, NO, we’ll just have the buffet.”

  A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

  This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?”

  The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home.”

  A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says, “Sorry, darling, but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynecologist and I want to stay fresh.”

  The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while, then whispers, “Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?”

  Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

  A. They’re called “Predickamints.”

  Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

  A. One of his fingers is clean.

  An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

  “Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus gentlemen. So my speech started: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen.’”

  On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll one-up that English bastard! He started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished, his colleagues asked what he was doing.

  “Well,” he explained, “by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.’”

  On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself, I’ll go even further than those bastards! He started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished, his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

  “Well,” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin, and then masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...’”

  Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

  A. Men will spend hours searching for a golf ball.

  A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his bedside lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her butt.

  He did this for only a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

  The wife eventually became aroused by this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started dancing naked in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing?”

  The wife replied, “You were playing with my butt and I thought it was foreplay to initiate making love with you tonight.”

  The husband said, “No, not at all.”

  The wife then asked, “Well, what the
hell were you doing then?”

  “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.”

  Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

  Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

  “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”

  “Well, all right, three times...”

  “Three, hmmm. When were they?”

  “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...”

  “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?”

  “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...”

  “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife... All right then, when was the third time?”

  “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short...”

  A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, “What are you doing?”

  She answers, “I’m moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $100 for doing what I do for you for free!”

  Later that night, while on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.