The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Read online

  When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m going to New York, too. I want to see you live on $200 a year!”

  A recently deceased man stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. He decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend up ahead with an even uglier woman.

  When he asks what’s going on, the friend replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the two friends and their two ugly women are walking along minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend.

  This man is with an absolutely gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, they approach the man and discover that it is indeed their friend. They ask him how come he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women.

  He replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time imaginable, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, ‘Damn income taxes!’”

  A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man also peeing. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man’s penis.

  “Sorry,” says the taller man. “I’m not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I’ve ever seen, especially on a man so small!”

  “Well,” says the little man, “that’s because I’m a Leprechaun! All Leprechauns have penises this size!”

  The taller man says, “Incredible! I’d give anything for mine to be that long.”

  “Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I’ll give you your wish!”

  “Gee,” says the man, “I don’t know about that. Oh, to hell with it. OK!”

  Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, humping away. “Say,” says the Leprechaun, “how old are you, son?”

  Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, “Uh-uh, thirty-two...”

  “Imagine that,” says the little man, “thirty-two and he still believes in Leprechauns!”

  Q. Why don’t little girls fart?

  A. Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

  One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman sitting in the back seat.

  “Where to?” he stammered.

  “Central Station,” answered the woman.

  “OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

  The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?”

  “Well, ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”

  The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does THIS answer your question?”

  Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”

  A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.

  She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”

  “Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”

  The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”

  Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”

  “That’s right, Dad.”

  “Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”

  “That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

  Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

  After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment. I hear someone coming.”

  He followed her into her flat. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off.

  Now completely naked, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

  Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears!”

  Astounded and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts—they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin—no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?!”

  Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, that was me.”

  Did you hear that Rosie O’Donnell has been busted for drug smuggling at Los Angeles International Airport?

  Seems she bent over and someone saw 50 lbs. of crack.

  A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

  “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

  “Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

  “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

  She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”

  Larry is 95 and lives in an old folks’ home. Every night after dinner, Larry goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Florence, age 87, wanders into the garden.

  They begin to chat and, before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Larry turns to Florence and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

  She asks, “What?”

  “SEX!!!”

  Florence exclaims, “Why, you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I paid you!”

  “I know,” Larry says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”

  “Well, I can oblige,” says Florence, who gently unzips his pants, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

  Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they will sit and talk and Florence will hold Larry’s manhood. Then, one night, Larry didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Florence decided to find Larry and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the gardens and she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident holding his manhood!

  Furious, Florence yelled, “You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don’t have
?”

  Larry smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s disease!!”

  A kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I’ve got a problem.”

  She says, “Tell me.”

  He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are.

  He says, “Well, pussy and bitch.”

  She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.”

  He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me their exact meaning.”

  Dad says, “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters; she can’t handle them. What are the words?”

  He tells him, “Pussy and bitch.”

  Dad says, “OK,” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Son, everything inside this circle is pussy.”

  “OK, dad, so what’s a bitch?”

  “Son,” he says, “everything outside that circle.”

  Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were getting married and were planning on living with Marie’s mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting ready for bed. Mario started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first. He had hair all over his chest. Marie ran downstairs and told her mother.

  “Mommy!! Mommy!! He’s got hair all over his chest!”

  Her mother replied, “Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud.”

  So Marie ran upstairs and found Mario taking off his pants. He was extremely hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps to tell her mother.

  “Mommy, he’s got hair all over his legs.”

  “Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud.”

  Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look, and ran downstairs.

  “Mommy, Mommy! He’s only got a foot and a half!”

  At this, her mother yelled, “Marie, you wait here. I’m going to go upstairs!”

  Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

  “Mom, where do babies come from?”

  “Well, dear, a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room and they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.”

  “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

  “Jewelry, dear.”

  A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk and the man on the lower.

  In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

  The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea. Let’s pretend we’re married.”

  “Why not,” giggles the woman.

  “Right,” he replies. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

  Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?

  A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

  A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice, “Could you please take me to Times Square?”

  In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation, “Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

  The nun says, “Why no, my son, whatever is on your mind?”

  The cab driver says, “About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin’ it?”

  The nun replies, “Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand.”

  The driver says, “Well, would ya ever consider, you know, doin’ it?”

  The nun replies, “Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it.”

  The cab driver says, “Well what would those conditions happen to be?”

  The nun replies, “Well, he’d have to be Catholic, unmarried and could certainly have no children.”

  The cab driver says, “Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why don’t youse come on up here...I won’t even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me.”

  The nun looks around: They are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her. At the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cab driver is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cab driver begin to laugh.

  The nun inquires, “Why, my son, what is so humorous?”

  The cab driver sneers, “Sista, I got ya. I’m Protestant, I’m married, and I’ve got four kids.”

  And from the back of the cab comes the nun’s low-voiced response, “Yeah, well my name’s Dave and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

  On the farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into some quicksand and began to sink. Scared for is life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help.

  Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

  Back in the quicksand, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

  The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink, crying out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

  The moral of the story?

  When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

  A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island. After wandering around for a few hours he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest he was taken before the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a chance to live, but only if he passed three tests in three huts.

  The first had a keg of rum inside: He had to drink the keg dry.

  The second had a tiger with a sore tooth: He had to remove it.

  The third had a woman who had never been satisfied: He had to satisfy her.

  With confidence he strode into the first, and about an hour later stumbled out plastered.

  “Get me to the next hut!” he yelled.

  In the second hut all was quiet, and then roars and screams were heard. This was followed by sudden quiet again.

  As he stumbled out of the hut he roared, “OK, goddammit, now where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

  A man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goe
s to see his doctor, who immediately rushes the man to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, “We’ve received the results back from your tests. We’ve found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes.”

  “Oh my god,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”

  “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

  “Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously.

  “Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

  A Priest went to the doctor in a panic and asked him, “What does it mean, Doc, if when I take a pee it burns like the fire of Satan and I have this god-awful drip?”

  The doctor smiled and said, “It means the altar boy lied—he wasn’t a virgin.”

  A bum finds a five-dollar bill in the street. He decides to go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of white wine. After knocking back the booze the bum falls into a drunken stupor and collapses in a small alleyway.

  About ten minutes later, a passing gay guy happens upon the sprawled body of the bum. Not having greased the pole for a while, the queer whips down the bum’s pants and gives him one up the butt. As the rear gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks five bucks into the tramp’s hand.

  Upon waking up the next day, the bum discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune, he rushes back to the liquor store and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favorite alleyway. A little later the same butt pirate passes the alleyway and sees the bum. Unable to contain himself, the butt plugger divests the tramp of his shorts and gives him another ass stretching. Again he leaves five bucks out of guilt for his actions.